Yesterday, yet another one of my musical icons - Chester Bennington - took his own life. He was 41 years old. He leaves behind a wife of 11 years and six children. It seems "he had it all" - fame, fortune, a band that was consistent and still had all original members (basically no known chaos), loving wife, loving children, home in California... Linkin Park had just ended one tour and was about to embark on a new US tour for their new album "One More Light" that had dropped in May. It is not as if they were on any hiatus, they had literally just released a new record. They were going to be in Florida in a month or two, and I was debating the drive to Tampa to see them again.
However, that won't be the case. Depression doesn't care who you are. It can affect anyone.
Chester Bennington hit my life shortly after I lost my father - to suicide - in the early 2000's. Hybrid Theory was the soundtrack of my middle and high school years, followed by Meteora. "One Step Closer" was like nothing else I had ever heard and remarkably expressed the angst and pain I was going through that I did not know how to express on my own. Later, "In The End" was a paradigm shift from the heavy rap-rock and added more synth and less anger/screaming. The message was still undeniably strong with lyrics like "I've tried so hard and come so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter"... and "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory." Those are just a few. I have been a fan since they hit mainstream radio and MTV that year.
I was lucky and was able to catch Chester with Stone Temple Pilots in 2013 in Jacksonville, FL. We bought VIP tickets, which was a fancy term for "covered seating" instead of the bleacher seats in the heat or the general admission area - private bathroom - and table/chairs by where the artists go onstage. Others had official "meet and greet" passes and we got to see them come and go, which was cool. This was one of the first shows we ever took Jacob to, since we did have seating in a more quiet location.
Imagine my surprise when Chester walks by and we were hanging out by the barricade area near the meet & greet, on "our side" where we weren't the ones paying to meet him. He came right up to us and started talking. I am not going to lie, I was starstruck. Here he was, in person, and God was he kind. He leaned down to Jacob's level (who was 5-years-old at the time) and asked him his name, and told him "Wow, your name is cool, I have a nephew named Jacob!". He shook his little hand and high fived him. He embraced my 13-year-old Brad and as Brad confessed he was a fan, he was just in awe and humble, saying "Thanks, man!". He was more than happy to take photos with each of us.
We then got the opportunity to see Chester with Linkin Park on August 9, 2014 in Tampa. It was quite easily the best concert of my life, and I have been to a lot. This more for the music than the theatrics. It was raw and emotional and overwhelming. I sang every lyric to every song and had Brad staring at me (either in awe or in embarrassment that his mom was shouting rap/rock at the top of her lungs, not sure). Every member was on point. Joe Hahn had many solos that were mesmerizing with the display of talent and visuals to accompany them on the LED screens. Having been a fan so long, it was worth the wait and I was not disappointed.
Prior to losing Chester, two months prior Chris Cornell from Soundgarden and Audioslave took his life in the same manner. He leaves behind a wife and children also. He had just played a show and took his life in his hotel room. That one stung as well.
My Story...
I am a child that lost her father to suicide. My father was 41-years-old when he shot himself at home. Thankfully, we were not home, and he called the police before he did what he decided to do. We did come home to the aftermath of police cars and I saw my mom try to run in the house before an officer stopped her and she fell to her knees, wailing. I have two friends who were in the car with my brother and I that day who will forever be close to me. It was and still can be really, really hard for me. I hear a song and it reminds me of him (especially Pink Floyd).
Life became to much to bear for him. My father was Chester's age. My father was not an addict or alcoholic or had anything crazy that we knew about. He was a normal suburban dad with a wife and two small kids (we were 11 and 9), and worked on systems for Tampa Electric. He worked his 40 hours a week and came home to have dinner with us. He loved MASH and the news. He drank two cups of coffee before work. He was a member of the Brandon Amateur Ham Radio Society. He loved all things "tech". Life I said previously - depression doesn't care who you are.
He died on August 7, 1995 - and boy if he could see how technology is now. I miss him.
The reason for this post?
I also suffer from depression. It can be the most crippling as it is a constant battle against myself and my mind. I have never been to the point of any suicidal thoughts, I think mainly because of the experience first hand I had with my dad's suicide and the impact that had on me. However, every single day is a fight. It is hard as hell, especially when you think that no one understands. There is still such an immense stigma toward mental illness. If you have depression, you are "just weak" or you "need to get over it and move on". I've literally heard that told to me in my life. I have been told that "it's all in my head" - ironically, duh - but that I should just be able to get past it.
I can't.
I can only treat it. I tried for several years to do it on my own. Then I sought help and have been on antidepressants since 2010. I've started off on Zoloft, then moved to Lexapro when that didn't work and made me feel worse. I was on Lexapro successfully until last year, when it began to dissipate and stopped working as well. We increased dosages. We then changed to other medicine: Wellbutrin (made me too hyper and couldn't sleep), Trintellix (saw no difference plus $300 a month, no thanks), and finally Prozac. We just got the dosage "right" on that and now it is getting easier.
Although - it is still a daily struggle.
I am almost always tired. I drink coffee it seems more and more each day. I am mean and irritable for no reason sometimes, just because of my illness. I recognize that and I can't help it, although I really do try. I cry over the most random things on occasion when I have a "bad day". I sleep until noon on a bad day, then am sometimes so overwhelmed and exhausted I'll take a 2-hour nap. The medicines keep my stomach almost constantly in knots. I can't remember a day where I have not had some sort of a headache.
With all that said - I still fight. I still love my family more than anything, and they are my world. My mom, brother, husband, sons... in laws and extended... they are amazing people.
My point...
Why am I sharing this? Why dive into all this? I am sick and tired of the negativity and the stigma surrounding mental illness. I am seeing too many great people die because of depression. Not just celebrities - I mean I lost my dad. My freaking father. Don't make a permanent decision when you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
If you are hurting, suicidal, cutting, depressed, anxious... GET HELP. You are loved and your life is worth it. I promise you - life is hard but there are people out there that will not judge you and will come to your side to help pick you up. There are text lines like the Crisis Text Line where you don't even have to call and speak to someone, you can text a live person who can walk you through your thoughts. If you do want to call, there is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. There are sites where you can find free or reduced cost therapists in your area. There are resources. Hell, talk to me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always around to listen, no matter what time of day. I may not have all the answers, but I will search until I find them.
Please, I beg all of you - get help if you even passingly think you may need it.
Life is precious.
-Kim
