It has been quite a while since I have regularly written on my blog. Then again, my writings have never been that regular. However, after these most recent events I feel compelled to write something and to share, and plead with my friends and family, strangers, co-workers... about something that is super heavy on my heart.

Yesterday, yet another one of my musical icons - Chester Bennington - took his own life. He was 41 years old. He leaves behind a wife of 11 years and six children. It seems "he had it all" - fame, fortune, a band that was consistent and still had all original members (basically no known chaos), loving wife, loving children, home in California... Linkin Park had just ended one tour and was about to embark on a new US tour for their new album "One More Light" that had dropped in May. It is not as if they were on any hiatus, they had literally just released a new record. They were going to be in Florida in a month or two, and I was debating the drive to Tampa to see them again.

However, that won't be the case. Depression doesn't care who you are. It can affect anyone.

Chester Bennington hit my life shortly after I lost my father - to suicide - in the early 2000's. Hybrid Theory was the soundtrack of my middle and high school years, followed by Meteora. "One Step Closer" was like nothing else I had ever heard and remarkably expressed the angst and pain I was going through that I did not know how to express on my own. Later, "In The End" was a paradigm shift from the heavy rap-rock and added more synth and less anger/screaming. The message was still undeniably strong with lyrics like "I've tried so hard and come so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter"... and "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory." Those are just a few. I have been a fan since they hit mainstream radio and MTV that year.

I was lucky and was able to catch Chester with Stone Temple Pilots in 2013 in Jacksonville, FL. We bought VIP tickets, which was a fancy term for "covered seating" instead of the bleacher seats in the heat or the general admission area - private bathroom - and table/chairs by where the artists go onstage. Others had official "meet and greet" passes and we got to see them come and go, which was cool. This was one of the first shows we ever took Jacob to, since we did have seating in a more quiet location.

Imagine my surprise when Chester walks by and we were hanging out by the barricade area near the meet & greet, on "our side" where we weren't the ones paying to meet him. He came right up to us and started talking. I am not going to lie, I was starstruck. Here he was, in person, and God was he kind. He leaned down to Jacob's level (who was 5-years-old at the time) and asked him his name, and told him "Wow, your name is cool, I have a nephew named Jacob!". He shook his little hand and high fived him. He embraced my 13-year-old Brad and as Brad confessed he was a fan, he was just in awe and humble, saying "Thanks, man!". He was more than happy to take photos with each of us.

We then got the opportunity to see Chester with Linkin Park on August 9, 2014 in Tampa. It was quite easily the best concert of my life, and I have been to a lot. This more for the music than the theatrics. It was raw and emotional and overwhelming. I sang every lyric to every song and had Brad staring at me (either in awe or in embarrassment that his mom was shouting rap/rock at the top of her lungs, not sure). Every member was on point. Joe Hahn had many solos that were mesmerizing with the display of talent and visuals to accompany them on the LED screens. Having been a fan so long, it was worth the wait and I was not disappointed.

Prior to losing Chester, two months prior Chris Cornell from Soundgarden and Audioslave took his life in the same manner. He leaves behind a wife and children also. He had just played a show and took his life in his hotel room. That one stung as well.

My Story...

I am a child that lost her father to suicide. My father was 41-years-old when he shot himself at home. Thankfully, we were not home, and he called the police before he did what he decided to do. We did come home to the aftermath of police cars and I saw my mom try to run in the house before an officer stopped her and she fell to her knees, wailing. I have two friends who were in the car with my brother and I that day who will forever be close to me. It was and still can be really, really hard for me. I hear a song and it reminds me of him (especially Pink Floyd).

Life became to much to bear for him. My father was Chester's age. My father was not an addict or alcoholic or had anything crazy that we knew about. He was a normal suburban dad with a wife and two small kids (we were 11 and 9), and worked on systems for Tampa Electric. He worked his 40 hours a week and came home to have dinner with us. He loved MASH and the news. He drank two cups of coffee before work. He was a member of the Brandon Amateur Ham Radio Society. He loved all things "tech". Life I said previously - depression doesn't care who you are.

He died on August 7, 1995 - and boy if he could see how technology is now. I miss him.

The reason for this post?

I also suffer from depression. It can be the most crippling as it is a constant battle against myself and my mind. I have never been to the point of any suicidal thoughts, I think mainly because of the experience first hand I had with my dad's suicide and the impact that had on me. However, every single day is a fight. It is hard as hell, especially when you think that no one understands. There is still such an immense stigma toward mental illness. If you have depression, you are "just weak" or you "need to get over it and move on". I've literally heard that told to me in my life. I have been told that "it's all in my head" - ironically, duh - but that I should just be able to get past it.

I can't.

I can only treat it. I tried for several years to do it on my own. Then I sought help and have been on antidepressants since 2010. I've started off on Zoloft, then moved to Lexapro when that didn't work and made me feel worse. I was on Lexapro successfully until last year, when it began to dissipate and stopped working as well. We increased dosages. We then changed to other medicine: Wellbutrin (made me too hyper and couldn't sleep), Trintellix (saw no difference plus $300 a month, no thanks), and finally Prozac. We just got the dosage "right" on that and now it is getting easier.

Although - it is still a daily struggle.

I am almost always tired. I drink coffee it seems more and more each day. I am mean and irritable for no reason sometimes, just because of my illness. I recognize that and I can't help it, although I really do try. I cry over the most random things on occasion when I have a "bad day". I sleep until noon on a bad day, then am sometimes so overwhelmed and exhausted I'll take a 2-hour nap. The medicines keep my stomach almost constantly in knots. I can't remember a day where I have not had some sort of a headache.

With all that said - I still fight. I still love my family more than anything, and they are my world. My mom, brother, husband, sons... in laws and extended... they are amazing people.

My point...

Why am I sharing this? Why dive into all this? I am sick and tired of the negativity and the stigma surrounding mental illness. I am seeing too many great people die because of depression. Not just celebrities - I mean I lost my dad. My freaking father. Don't make a permanent decision when you don't know what tomorrow will bring.

If you are hurting, suicidal, cutting, depressed, anxious... GET HELP. You are loved and your life is worth it. I promise you - life is hard but there are people out there that will not judge you and will come to your side to help pick you up. There are text lines like the Crisis Text Line where you don't even have to call and speak to someone, you can text a live person who can walk you through your thoughts. If you do want to call, there is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. There are sites where you can find free or reduced cost therapists in your area. There are resources. Hell, talk to me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always around to listen, no matter what time of day. I may not have all the answers, but I will search until I find them.

Please, I beg all of you - get help if you even passingly think you may need it.

Life is precious.

-Kim

Another day, another story.

Well here I am again, Internet world/friends/family! It has been almost a year. I say everytime I update after a long period of time that "I hope to blog more" and "I will post more often". I cannot make that promise this time but I will try. Here is a summary in photos of what we have been up to.

We have spent time with the kids doing lots of small, quality time activities.

Weekly lunches with mommy at school

Bowling fun

Spring break 2015 at New Smyrna Beach

More bowling

Playing Mario Party 10 together

Universal Studios

We went on a cruise in November 2014 to the Eastern Caribbean

Saint Thomas (from the ship)

My boys in Puerto Rico

The bead king, Jacob with his brother Brad!

We listen to a lot of music and go to a lot of concerts

Vinyl records = the best

Brad met Keegan from Vinyl Theatre!

Twenty One Pilots are allllllways the best |-/

Fall Out Boy and Paramore

Hans and I are still very much in love and celebrated 8 years married

Hanging out in South Florida

Hot air balloon ride at Downtown Disney

Bradley is making great grades in high school this year and is officially in the Pre-IB program in 9th grade. He is so smart and is taking Pre-IB classes along with Honors and Gifted! He loves Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and other rock bands. Basically he is a mini-me when it comes to music (see my shirt in the above photo? yep |-/). His room is covered in posters and string lights. He saved up his money for almost 18 months and paid for his own gaming desktop computer. He loves watching @carbonstealer do "speedruns" of Super Monkey Ball Deluxe on Twitch as do the rest of us. He wakes up at 4:50am each morning to shower, do his hair (he has longer hair now) and get ready for school. I still text him at 6:00am from my room to wish him a good day and tell him I love him. He is our goofy, funny, kind soul and he will be fifteen in 37 days. My gosh he will be old enough for his permit.

Jacob academically is doing fantastic in first grade. Behaviorally he is getting better. He is spunky and does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He eats what he wants (unless we put our foot down) when he wants (unless we put our foot down). This means at school if he doesn't like the lunch, he buys a cookie and Cheez Its. If he is bored in class, he talks. Some days when he gets a "straight face" in class (the teacher grades behavior daily by smiley face, straight face, or sad face), I ask him why and I get this response: "Well I was talking and the teacher said to stop talking but I didn't hear her because well I was talking" - all in one breath. Then he smiles and shrugs. Most days we fight with him to do his homework but when he is done with it he is happy. He hates going to bed at night to this day and makes excuses to get up - "I want water", "I want a hug", "I am hungry" are all common excuses we hear. Ever since was old enough to get the world around him, he has not wanted to go to sleep because 1) he is afraid he will miss something and 2) he wants to be just like his big brother Bradley. Which brings me to that: my kids adore eachother. Even with the 8 year separation of age. Jacob copies Brad's likes and dislikes most often, and he wants to always do what Brad's doing. If Brad likes a song, Jake memorizes it and sings it with him. If Brad doesn't like a TV show, Jake doesn't either. It is frustratingly adorable at time - but most often more adorable than frustrating. Jake loves to go to the park, and play video games. He and I eat lunch together in the cafeteria of his school weekly on my day off. He loves swimming and he LOVES his "baby girl" Clara who sleeps with him every night. He is my sweetheart and as I tell him - my "favorite first grader in the whole world". 

Hans is still with his company and for the most part enjoys what he does. He is a part of the Tuesday softball league and the Thursday bowling league. He has recently decided to go back to college with me at Western Governor's University. I work evenings right now and he works his shift during the day, comes home, cooks/cleans/entertains the kids, and then spends time with me when I get home. He helps with homework and does laundry. He deals with meltdowns from the kids when Jake and his friends don't get along, and is still there to help his friend Bret take apart a car something-or-another when he needs it. He is the most genuine, humble, laid back man I know. And he chose me. How lucky am I? He seriously completes me. I am the planner, the A-type organizer, the goal setter, the "5-year-achievement" person. He is the sporadic, WhoNeedsACalendar, go with the flow man. I would not have it any other way.

We are all happy and (for me, mostly) healthy and thriving. The past year has been memorable and in a good way. 

As for me, my depression is mostly 99% in check, my anxiety is all but gone, and my migraines - well they are still there most months at least once. I have worked for a company since September that is incredibly pleasing, and the best part rarely if ever stressful. I am now on the Activities Committee and help with planning the celebrations and events in the center. I help write articles for the company informational emails. I have great perks, one of them being a great amount of vacation/sick time. I was able to take the week of Spring Break 2015 off and spend real quality time with the kids and with my husband. We had fun and no schedule to follow. I still love to cook and bake. I am a co-admin of a Facebook group where kindness is encouraged and vibrant - RAOK Angels. Those ladies are wonderful human beings and so bright and cheerful when I need it, and I am there when they need it. I am passing my classes in college and am taking extra classes to try to graduate sooner. Oh, and I recently went from a brunette to a blonde...

...and yes I can say blondes do have more fun. JK. :) 

We are all doing really, really well. Really well. We are just moving forward, enjoying life as it comes with it's ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns. We are doing it all together, as it should be. We are a solid family unit and we love eachother more than anything else in the world. 

-K

Perspective.

Today, I am at home with a migraine. I just took another dose of my pain medicine and this dose seems to (hopefully) have done the job. I am looking forward to being back at work tomorrow.

Even suffering through a tremendously painful migraine, I am trying to keep my life in perspective.

Yes, I missed work today with a migraine. Most of my day was spent with a pillow over my head, in a dark bedroom. The other part was lifting myself up to take care of my three-year-old to the best of my ability with this pain. I made him breakfast/lunch, and now my sweetness is laying next to me, watching Mario Brothers things on YouTube on my phone.

Yes, even removing the migraines from the equation, I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and also clinical depression. I have seen the horror of panic attacks first hand and lived through them.

Yes, my life can be "tough" with these medical issues.

But through all of this, I see where I have come from. All the glory goes to God. I am still thankful for my health.

You see, I do not have cancer. Or leukemia. Or MS. Or any other life altering, potentially fatal disease. I do not have high cholesterol or heart disease. I do not have kidney failure. I do not require anything other than medicines daily to keep these conditions under control and occasionally having to miss a day or two of work due to the pain of the migraines.

In keeping that perspective, I am able to give thanks through this. I am thankful that my Lord has prepared my doctors for the medical conditions I do have, and with the knowledge that he did bless a doctor/pharmacist/scientist somewhere to develop these medicines to help in the first place.

I am thankful that I do have my three-year-old, Jacob, and that even though he can be demanding... even with a throbbing headache I love him dearly and will pull myself up to be his mama.

Keeping this perspective helps me through the hard times. The rough times that I have come to deal with.

No matter what the situation, fix your eyes on God, and on the good that you have been blessed with. God is always there, in each trial. He will not let you down.

Life Changing.

As you all know, I have been on new medications since early January. Since the meds have fully "kicked in", I am absolutely mesmerized at how different my outlook on life has become.

On February 11th, our family has the opportunity to spend two days at Disney World with my mother-in-law & my father-in-law. I was hesitant but also excited. I was more worried about taking the Disney transportation since that is one of the areas where I had been struggling the most with my anxiety - being a passenger in a vehicle and "not having control". It also carried over to rides at Disney before, but I won't elaborate too much on that. You get the point.

As it turns out I was "worried" for nothing. With the medicine in my system for over a month at that point, Disney World was everything I hoped it would be. It was magical. I was happy as I could be. I not only went on rides, but I went on the Rock N Roller Coaster. I rode not one but two Disney buses around Fort Wilderness. I had an incredible time with everyone.

My second triumph came this past weekend. Hans and I wanted to go to Magic Kingdom (we bought seasonal passes). I still drive 95% of the time due to just not wanting to give up the habit of "me being in control of the wheel" and letting go of all my past worries in regards to that. Anyway, when I woke up Saturday morning to go to Disney, my contact lens in my right eye was extremely irritated. I tried changing lenses but it didn't work. If I was going to go to Disney, my husband had to drive. So without hesitation and with the help of my medicine and my change of mindset yet again -- I let him drive. There and back. To someone who hasn't dealt with anxiety and panic, this seems simple. For me, this was huge.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Jacob wanted to ride the monorail. Uh oh. I am nervous around enclosed spaces and again - there is that PassengerInAVehicleControl thing. For my son, I did it. I wanted him to experience that memory of the monorail. I rode that thing three times that day, and twice to EPCOT which is about a 10 minute stretch.

Then today, I bought my husband & I some food and couldn't carry it all up the stairs at work. For three years, I have taken four flights of stairs up and down, day by day, because I loathe elevators and the enclosed space there. Since my hands were full, I just went and took the elevator up. I didn't even think about it really. When I got off, Hans just happened to be there and the look on his face was priceless. He was so proud (and confused as to what he just saw LOL).

The short of it is - I feel like a "normal person" now. I enjoy so much more of my life. The little things really don't get to me. I take chances. I don't worry all the time, day in and day out. I am so thrilled that God has shown me healing in this area of my life. I know that it is something I will struggle with forever, but at this point in time, I feel like I can just live.

I find myself wanting to do things I would have never considered before. I want to fly on a plane somewhere with my husband (I've never flown before). I want to spend SO MUCH more time with Hans and want to take little vacations with him and plan more date nights. I love that man so much. So, so much. I thank him constantly for his love and support and for sticking with me through my disorder.

That's really all I have right now. Got to get the kids to bed. Will write more soon. :)

Life on Medication

On January 10th, I took my first dose of Lexapro early that morning. Didn't feel much other than drowsiness. The next two days were horrible. I felt drowsy, but then on top of that I had the worst nausea and other stomach issues. Not the most fun two days. At. All. (I found out the reason later was because I was taking the pill on an empty stomach. Oops.)

Then day four hit. The drowsiness and the nausea started lifting. I actually began to feel less agitated. I didn't realize it right away, but my husband did. He asked me to help him pick up the kitchen and without hesitation, I did. That may seem like something so small - but a week prior I would have thrown some sort of a fit if I was in the wrong mood, or exhausted. I never had any energy.

I am now on day eleven or so. I honestly have not felt this good and calm in years. I only take the Ativan if needed, and I have only taken it a couple times, and only 1/4 of a dose. I take the Lexapro every morning like clockwork. When it first "kicks in" I yawn and feel somewhat tired for about two hours. Then everything is fine.

The amazing thing is on the Lexapro, I don't feel medicated. I feel like me - just the old me. The calmer, happier, less stressed, fun me.

I am playing with my kids again. I am SMILING, which apparently I didn't do a whole lot of before. I have energy to keep up with the kids for the most part. I want to go places and do things. I am not worrying 24/7. I go with the flow.

Sunday after church we randomly went and fed the swans on Lake Morton. Jake ran and chased the birds. Then we went to Fred's Market. All of this between two church services and choir practice. I can keep up with life now. More importantly, I am enjoying things now.

I am not dreading vacation in three weeks. I am not as scared about Disney and "what if I have a panic attack, etc..." - although sometimes the thoughts creep in... I know that I will have fun, and be fine. If not, I have my medicine to help me in a "worst case scenario" situation.

Hans told me today (when I told him I couldn't wait to get home & clean the kitchen because it was bugging me...) - "Hello my Kimmy - I have my wife back - I've missed you".

He then told me that even if I didn't take the medicine, he still would have been there for better or for worse, and would love me no matter what.

I love that man. I am so thankful to God that he blessed me with him. He has been through all this with me and I am so glad I finally got enough courage to try medication. It is helping so much and I am glad I can finally go back to being the wife that he deserves.

Til next time,

Kim

Hello. My name is Kim.

... and I have been diagnosed with clinical depression in addition to my generalized anxiety disorder.

It's taken a lot for me to write this post. I am afraid of the judgement. I know that mental illness has this stigma in society. People either understand and show compassion, or they have the "It's all in your head, just get over it" mentality. If that is your take on mental illness, I ask that you please reserve your judgement on me on my blog and keep it to yourself.

The depression was something I didn't really realize I had, but in retrospect I guess it has been there for a long time. Those that know me well, know what I've been through in my past. I don't need to air it out and certainly don't want to relive it, so I won't. Apparently I have brought all that junk into my adult life and it has been creeping around in my subconscious.

The depression wasn't anything where I would sit in bed, crying all day. It wasn't like that. I would get up and do what needed to be done. I was always exhausted, stressed, and super irritable when I did anything though. I can't tell you how many times I snapped at my husband or even my kids for no reason at all. Hans would come ask me to clean something and I would lose it. Brad would ask me for help with his homework and I would get upset because I felt like it was "one more thing" added to the list. All this came to a realization a few days ago when I got news from work that I was denied a promotion because of some metric numbers that they measure by.

I cried for probably 10 minutes afterward, alone.

That was when I realized that I can't remember the last time I genuinely had fun. Or laughed. Or didn't worry about something all day long. Worrying is exhausting. I am the queen of fear and worry.

I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since December 2008 (initial diagnosis but I am sure I had it long before. That was the date of my first panic attack). I have tried to do this all on my own and with counselling to avoid medication. But I can't do it all by myself anymore. I am going to give medicine a shot in the hopes that it will bring me back to the "old me" while also continuing my counselling. Not for me, but for my family. My husband deserves a wife who isn't scared all the time and irritated. My boys deserve a mom with the energy to have fun with them and go outside and play ball.

This morning I saw my doctor who I absolutely love. She knows me in and out and knows my personality when it comes to medications (I am very sensitive to everything and really dislike taking anything unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary). I was there for a migraine medicine follow-up as well when I brought up the anxiety/depression. She listened to me vent and explain what was going on. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro -an antidepressant, and a low dose of Ativan - an anti-anxiety for me to try. I go back in six weeks for a follow up.

I am going to pick the meds up from my pharmacy shortly. I am really nervous about taking these medicines, but that is how I am with any medicine whether it be Lexapro or Tylenol (thanks, anxiety disorder). Please keep me in your prayers through this time in my life and pray that God will heal me from this.

Thanks,

Kim