Why hello there, Blogger! I haven't seen you in ages. It has been so long in fact that I am not used to the new layout of posting! :) Anyway... to begin with...

...Our Christmas this year was fantastic and will be remembered as one of the best that we have had. Not for the presents that any one person received, but for the quality of time we were able to spend with family. This year we went down to South Florida (Cooper City, FL to be exact) to my husband's parent's house. We arrived on Friday night and spent some time with his parents, and his sister and niece - Lil & Ava. We arrived around 10pm so soon after that we just went to bed.

The next morning (Saturday) we had breakfast and went to the grocery store to get a couple things. Mostly just enjoyed each other's company and hung around the house. Lanie, Jim, and Austin (my sister/brother-in-law and nephew) arrived at 6pm and from there Bradley & Austin were inseperable! They haven't seen eachother since last year and they are close in age (12 & 15). They would play Monopoly on Austin's Kindle Fire and - since Austin has his learner's permit - Lanie would take Austin to practice driving and Brad would tag along. I was able to cook dinner for everyone and we all ate and just talked.  Later that evening at 11pm Hans & I went to Walmart because we are crazy to get some last minute items for Brad, Jake, and the "white elephant" gift exchange for the adults. More about that later... :)

The grandkids - Austin (15), Ava (2), Bradley (12), and Jacob (4)

Sunday was a nice, lazy day. We are breakfast, played Catchphrase, Lanie and Hans worked on a puzzle on the back porch, Brad - Austin - and Jake all played together. Lil, Tom, and Ava came later and then we all played with Ava and watched her run around with Jake. It was so fun seeing Ava and Jake play together... and they played together so well! She is 2 and Jake is 4 so again, they are close in age like Brad & Austin are. It works out very well. Later we had burgers for lunch & pizza for dinner. Wait... what was I doing most of the day, you ask? I was laying on the couch watching movies. Yep. I was relaxing! Later on, their cousins (and my cousin in laws...?) Brent and his wife Dely came over with their kids, Dani & Brandon. We were able to get some great photos and again, the more the merrier. We had a great time with them.

(Jake, Ava, and Brandon on the piano)

(Front row: Dani, Ava, Brandon, Jake -- Back row: Lanie, Austin, Brent, Hans, Brad, and Lil)

That evening - Hans and I realized we still had to wrap every present we had bought all through the year! Yes, we went to South Florida with our presents unwrapped, in boxes. All of them. So we spent the next hour or two wrapping lots and lots of small and large presents for the kids, from Brad and Jake to Ava and Austin. Finally, around midnight, we went to bed.

(Brad playing Catchphrase)

Monday (Christmas Eve) was very pleasant. Cooking began very early in the morning for our Christmas Eve meal. In between all the cooking, we went over to Potential Church where my in-laws attend and enjoyed their Christmas Eve Candlelight Service and sermon. Pastor Troy Gramling is a good speaker.

We ate dinner later that evening. It was incredible. We had roast turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, dinner rolls, olives, cranberry sauce, stuffing, gravy made from scratch... My mother-in-law is a great cook! After dinner and cleaning up - the games began. Ava and Jake played together while the rest of us (adults and teens) played the games for our Christmas Eve celebration! This has begun a new tradition in the Reller/Krasnor/Sheets Christmases for sure.

To start: We played a scavenger hunt that Lil made up. It all took place in the back yard. We were put on separate teams ("Team Frosty" and "Team Prancer") and then beginning with one clue we had to find the next clue and so on... until we got to clue ten where the winner was chosen. I was on "Team Frosty" and we won... YAY! :)

The next game we played was "Minute to Win It" - Christmas style. These were the games that my mother & father-in-law thought of. We had to hang ornaments on a yard stick suspended on an empty paper towel roll. The one with the most on there in a minute wins. Well, my mother & father-in-law dominated and won! After that, we had to take metal hardware nuts on a candy cane and stack them from the candy cane onto a table, one on top of the other. Jim won this round as he was able to get all ten stacked in no time, while the rest of us did six, seven, or they would topple over.

(Geoff & Gail win it all!!)

 The last game we played was a card game called "Spoons". We went through several rounds, starting with ten people and then it came down to two. Father vs son, Hans vs Brad! Hans ultimately "won" but there is always next year for a rematch! By the time this was done, it was 10pm so we all got the kids in bed and went to bed ourselves, so we could be up bright and early for Christmas.

(Clockwise from left: Lanie, Hans, Austin, Gail, Brad, and Tom)

The next morning, Brad was up at 7am. Jacob and Austin wanted to sleep longer so they slept until Ava got there (with Lil & Tom) at 8am. From that point, it was eating breakfast, drinking coffee, and watching the kids open gift after gift. They are so blessed and they had so much fun! Ava received a "Doc McStuffins" doctor set and she kept walking around and giving her mom Lil a pretend bandaid. Jake got an Iron Man dress up costume and so he was walking around most of the day dressed up as Iron Man. Austin's big gift was an iPod Nano and a gaming chair, so he and Brad (who also got a gaming chair) were sitting next to eachother, in the chairs, streaming Coldplay over the speakers in the chairs. It was a lot of fun being around everyone and again - very memorable.

We left at 2pm that afternoon and arrived home at 6pm. The rest of the night was unpacking, cleaning, laundry, and trying to relax a little in between as the hubby and I both had work early the next morning.

Here are some more pictures from Christmas... enjoy!

What's new?

Well, I can see that it has been quite a while since I have posted an update, so here goes nothing! This is what has been happening in the Reller Household since the last post.

My migraines had begun to occur more often and I was missing a lot of work. I had spoken with my doctor on numerous occasions and also to my therapist. Both of them (after trying all sorts of migraine medicines) said that they believe that my migraines are "tension migraines" and may be triggered by stress primarily. That being said, my job was crazy stressful. I put a lot of stress on myself naturally, and not promoting and other things at _______ was just too much for me.

So. I left.

I applied at _______ University after talking with one of my good friends who works there. He suggested I apply because they needed help in Student Finance, so I did so, and after a couple weeks of background checks, testing, and interviews, I learned I got the job! My last day at my old job was back on June 15th.

Right now I am still in training, but I couldn't be happier. From the outside looking in now, my old company was really putting a lot of stress on me to be more perfect than I wanted to be. They had an "all or nothing" attitude (not any specific person - my supervisors and management were AWESOME, just the company politics in general) - and that was wearing me thin.

I love my commute. I love my new coworkers but miss my old ones. Change is just that, change. And I am going with it for my health.

Secondly, we celebrated Jacob's 4th birthday on June 16th at our home. We had a HUGE inflatable water slide that we borrowed from the church in the back yard, and everyone had a wonderful time. It is hard to believe that he is already four. years. old. We also celebrated Brad's 12th birthday in May!! He just wanted to go see "The Avengers" in IMAX, and we also got him a mic for his PS3. 12 & 4. Where has the time gone?

Thirdly, our very good friends Gary & Alicia (who were also the youth pastor & his wife at our church) left in May for Fairfax, VA. Gary accepted a position as a Youth Pastor at Fairfax Baptist Temple. While they are soooooo missed, I couldn't be happier for them. They are amazing people and are going to do amazing things in that area, I just know it. The husband & I are planning on going to visit them up north in October and attend their church's Couples Retreat. It will be my first time on an airplane. Yikes! :)

Well, that is all I can think of for now. :)

Til next time,
K.

Perspective.

Today, I am at home with a migraine. I just took another dose of my pain medicine and this dose seems to (hopefully) have done the job. I am looking forward to being back at work tomorrow.

Even suffering through a tremendously painful migraine, I am trying to keep my life in perspective.

Yes, I missed work today with a migraine. Most of my day was spent with a pillow over my head, in a dark bedroom. The other part was lifting myself up to take care of my three-year-old to the best of my ability with this pain. I made him breakfast/lunch, and now my sweetness is laying next to me, watching Mario Brothers things on YouTube on my phone.

Yes, even removing the migraines from the equation, I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and also clinical depression. I have seen the horror of panic attacks first hand and lived through them.

Yes, my life can be "tough" with these medical issues.

But through all of this, I see where I have come from. All the glory goes to God. I am still thankful for my health.

You see, I do not have cancer. Or leukemia. Or MS. Or any other life altering, potentially fatal disease. I do not have high cholesterol or heart disease. I do not have kidney failure. I do not require anything other than medicines daily to keep these conditions under control and occasionally having to miss a day or two of work due to the pain of the migraines.

In keeping that perspective, I am able to give thanks through this. I am thankful that my Lord has prepared my doctors for the medical conditions I do have, and with the knowledge that he did bless a doctor/pharmacist/scientist somewhere to develop these medicines to help in the first place.

I am thankful that I do have my three-year-old, Jacob, and that even though he can be demanding... even with a throbbing headache I love him dearly and will pull myself up to be his mama.

Keeping this perspective helps me through the hard times. The rough times that I have come to deal with.

No matter what the situation, fix your eyes on God, and on the good that you have been blessed with. God is always there, in each trial. He will not let you down.

Life Changing.

As you all know, I have been on new medications since early January. Since the meds have fully "kicked in", I am absolutely mesmerized at how different my outlook on life has become.

On February 11th, our family has the opportunity to spend two days at Disney World with my mother-in-law & my father-in-law. I was hesitant but also excited. I was more worried about taking the Disney transportation since that is one of the areas where I had been struggling the most with my anxiety - being a passenger in a vehicle and "not having control". It also carried over to rides at Disney before, but I won't elaborate too much on that. You get the point.

As it turns out I was "worried" for nothing. With the medicine in my system for over a month at that point, Disney World was everything I hoped it would be. It was magical. I was happy as I could be. I not only went on rides, but I went on the Rock N Roller Coaster. I rode not one but two Disney buses around Fort Wilderness. I had an incredible time with everyone.

My second triumph came this past weekend. Hans and I wanted to go to Magic Kingdom (we bought seasonal passes). I still drive 95% of the time due to just not wanting to give up the habit of "me being in control of the wheel" and letting go of all my past worries in regards to that. Anyway, when I woke up Saturday morning to go to Disney, my contact lens in my right eye was extremely irritated. I tried changing lenses but it didn't work. If I was going to go to Disney, my husband had to drive. So without hesitation and with the help of my medicine and my change of mindset yet again -- I let him drive. There and back. To someone who hasn't dealt with anxiety and panic, this seems simple. For me, this was huge.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Jacob wanted to ride the monorail. Uh oh. I am nervous around enclosed spaces and again - there is that PassengerInAVehicleControl thing. For my son, I did it. I wanted him to experience that memory of the monorail. I rode that thing three times that day, and twice to EPCOT which is about a 10 minute stretch.

Then today, I bought my husband & I some food and couldn't carry it all up the stairs at work. For three years, I have taken four flights of stairs up and down, day by day, because I loathe elevators and the enclosed space there. Since my hands were full, I just went and took the elevator up. I didn't even think about it really. When I got off, Hans just happened to be there and the look on his face was priceless. He was so proud (and confused as to what he just saw LOL).

The short of it is - I feel like a "normal person" now. I enjoy so much more of my life. The little things really don't get to me. I take chances. I don't worry all the time, day in and day out. I am so thrilled that God has shown me healing in this area of my life. I know that it is something I will struggle with forever, but at this point in time, I feel like I can just live.

I find myself wanting to do things I would have never considered before. I want to fly on a plane somewhere with my husband (I've never flown before). I want to spend SO MUCH more time with Hans and want to take little vacations with him and plan more date nights. I love that man so much. So, so much. I thank him constantly for his love and support and for sticking with me through my disorder.

That's really all I have right now. Got to get the kids to bed. Will write more soon. :)

Happy Birthday, Hans!

Yesterday, we celebrated my husband's 29th birthday.

He couldn't decide where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, so I chose for him and it was a surprise. Really - it was between two places: Texas de Brazil in Tampa and Shula's Steakhouse at the Dolphin Hotel at Walt Disney World. He knew where we were going when I chose to go "eastbound" on I-4. ;)

We got there for our 7:00pm reservation (grandma had the kids!) and were promptly greeted by a hostess who took us to our table and showed us the original menu (a football signed by Don Shula). Then our waiter Carlos came and went over the menu and each cut of steak with us.

I ordered the 22oz Bone-In Ribeye and Hans ordered the 24oz Porterhouse. We shared a double baked potato with White Cheddar Cheese on top. The meal was absolutely incredible. I have eaten at many steakhouses locally and also in the Tampa & Orlando areas, and nothing can touch the quality thus far that we experienced there at Shula's. Of course, I haven't eaten at Bern's Steakhouse yet. :)

After dinner, we walked over to Disney's Boardwalk and just walked around and enjoyed each other's company. By then it was about 8:45pm. We watched a couple street performers who juggled, balanced on small rolling pipes, and did all sorts of tricks. One even picked me to help out with the show. At first I was nervous but I did very well (I tossed the juggling items to him while he was balanced about 5' off the ground). We left at around 10:00pm and got home at 11:00pm - to our wide awake boys waiting for us with Grandma.

I actually let the boys stay up and play until 11:30pm last night, while I laid on the couch with Hans and just reflected on how blessed I am. How happy I am now. I am slow to anger. I am constantly smiling. I am no longer a pessimist. I don't dwell on the negative but find myself constantly looking for the positive. I could have been angry the kids were still up running around. I could have been exhausted and cranky. But I wasn't. I watched Brad play his PS3 and Jacob run and try to tackle him - to get his attention - while he was playing and thought how lucky I am. I am lucky that I have a man who loves me so much and two kids who call me "mom". I have a mom who adores her grandbabies and will bend over backwards for them and for us at the drop of a hat. I have a home. I have food. God loves us. Thanks to Jesus, I am Saved. The time the kids went to bed didn't matter at that moment. I just wanted to watch them happy and playing. Bradley is 11, almost 12. Before I know it he will be leaving for college. I am going to enjoy every moment from now on.

Just a reflection on my part. Also wanted to wish my husband, again, a wonderful 29th birthday. Thank you so much for loving me, Hans.

Life on Medication

On January 10th, I took my first dose of Lexapro early that morning. Didn't feel much other than drowsiness. The next two days were horrible. I felt drowsy, but then on top of that I had the worst nausea and other stomach issues. Not the most fun two days. At. All. (I found out the reason later was because I was taking the pill on an empty stomach. Oops.)

Then day four hit. The drowsiness and the nausea started lifting. I actually began to feel less agitated. I didn't realize it right away, but my husband did. He asked me to help him pick up the kitchen and without hesitation, I did. That may seem like something so small - but a week prior I would have thrown some sort of a fit if I was in the wrong mood, or exhausted. I never had any energy.

I am now on day eleven or so. I honestly have not felt this good and calm in years. I only take the Ativan if needed, and I have only taken it a couple times, and only 1/4 of a dose. I take the Lexapro every morning like clockwork. When it first "kicks in" I yawn and feel somewhat tired for about two hours. Then everything is fine.

The amazing thing is on the Lexapro, I don't feel medicated. I feel like me - just the old me. The calmer, happier, less stressed, fun me.

I am playing with my kids again. I am SMILING, which apparently I didn't do a whole lot of before. I have energy to keep up with the kids for the most part. I want to go places and do things. I am not worrying 24/7. I go with the flow.

Sunday after church we randomly went and fed the swans on Lake Morton. Jake ran and chased the birds. Then we went to Fred's Market. All of this between two church services and choir practice. I can keep up with life now. More importantly, I am enjoying things now.

I am not dreading vacation in three weeks. I am not as scared about Disney and "what if I have a panic attack, etc..." - although sometimes the thoughts creep in... I know that I will have fun, and be fine. If not, I have my medicine to help me in a "worst case scenario" situation.

Hans told me today (when I told him I couldn't wait to get home & clean the kitchen because it was bugging me...) - "Hello my Kimmy - I have my wife back - I've missed you".

He then told me that even if I didn't take the medicine, he still would have been there for better or for worse, and would love me no matter what.

I love that man. I am so thankful to God that he blessed me with him. He has been through all this with me and I am so glad I finally got enough courage to try medication. It is helping so much and I am glad I can finally go back to being the wife that he deserves.

Til next time,

Kim

Hello. My name is Kim.

... and I have been diagnosed with clinical depression in addition to my generalized anxiety disorder.

It's taken a lot for me to write this post. I am afraid of the judgement. I know that mental illness has this stigma in society. People either understand and show compassion, or they have the "It's all in your head, just get over it" mentality. If that is your take on mental illness, I ask that you please reserve your judgement on me on my blog and keep it to yourself.

The depression was something I didn't really realize I had, but in retrospect I guess it has been there for a long time. Those that know me well, know what I've been through in my past. I don't need to air it out and certainly don't want to relive it, so I won't. Apparently I have brought all that junk into my adult life and it has been creeping around in my subconscious.

The depression wasn't anything where I would sit in bed, crying all day. It wasn't like that. I would get up and do what needed to be done. I was always exhausted, stressed, and super irritable when I did anything though. I can't tell you how many times I snapped at my husband or even my kids for no reason at all. Hans would come ask me to clean something and I would lose it. Brad would ask me for help with his homework and I would get upset because I felt like it was "one more thing" added to the list. All this came to a realization a few days ago when I got news from work that I was denied a promotion because of some metric numbers that they measure by.

I cried for probably 10 minutes afterward, alone.

That was when I realized that I can't remember the last time I genuinely had fun. Or laughed. Or didn't worry about something all day long. Worrying is exhausting. I am the queen of fear and worry.

I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since December 2008 (initial diagnosis but I am sure I had it long before. That was the date of my first panic attack). I have tried to do this all on my own and with counselling to avoid medication. But I can't do it all by myself anymore. I am going to give medicine a shot in the hopes that it will bring me back to the "old me" while also continuing my counselling. Not for me, but for my family. My husband deserves a wife who isn't scared all the time and irritated. My boys deserve a mom with the energy to have fun with them and go outside and play ball.

This morning I saw my doctor who I absolutely love. She knows me in and out and knows my personality when it comes to medications (I am very sensitive to everything and really dislike taking anything unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary). I was there for a migraine medicine follow-up as well when I brought up the anxiety/depression. She listened to me vent and explain what was going on. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro -an antidepressant, and a low dose of Ativan - an anti-anxiety for me to try. I go back in six weeks for a follow up.

I am going to pick the meds up from my pharmacy shortly. I am really nervous about taking these medicines, but that is how I am with any medicine whether it be Lexapro or Tylenol (thanks, anxiety disorder). Please keep me in your prayers through this time in my life and pray that God will heal me from this.

Thanks,

Kim