Well let's see - so much has happened since my last post! No, I am not pregnant... (I'll just get that out of the way right now since that is the conclusion most people jump to) LOL.

The first thing that has happened is I have enrolled back in college. This is something that I have personally wanted to do for quite a while and it was just exacerbated when I turned "30" back in March. It is as if something clicked and I knew it was now or never. I had to finish and wanted to finish. After much discussion with my husband and research on schools, I have enrolled in Western Governor's University which is based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

They are not-for-profit which is very important to me (having worked in Financial Aid for a "for-profit" school in the past - no bueno), they are Regionally accredited (again, working for a Nationally accredited school and seeing the difference in how those types of degrees are perceived makes a difference), and they offer support and mentoring weekly or bi-weekly throughout the entire process. It's like having my own cheerleader and assistant all in one. My mentor calls each week and we talk and she asks how I am, and what my plans are for my studies for the week. Additionally, it is a competency based university. This means if I learn a topic sooner than the term end date, I can test out of it when I want to. If I take the pre-assessment at the beginning of a course and pass, and I know the material, I can schedule my final assessment right there and test out of the class. This will help me graduate much sooner than anticipated. I am already about to test out of my first class, Organizational Behavior and Leadership. I have been in it for three weeks but with my industry knowledge and consistent studying - I know the material. I have setup my own office in the guest room. I have my goals printed out in front of me on the wall and also a dry erase board with my goal dates and study schedule for my classes (those were added after the photo below).

I have the full support of not just my husband but my kids! Bradley loves that I am back in college and wants to help me in every way he can with the "difficult math" part (I really don't like algebra - at all). Jacob recognizes when I am in the office studying and only comes to get me if he really needs something (for the most part - sometimes he just needs a hug, which is fine with me)! It has been great so far and I am enjoying being back in school and working towards my degree.

The second thing that has happened is that I finally, reluctantly had to get all my wisdom teeth extracted on May 17th. It was expected but unexpected at the same time. I am in my fourth day of recovery and so far it hasn't been too horribly bad. Is there pain? Yes. I am not going to lie and say it is all rainbows and unicorns! For years (yes, years) I realized now in hindsight that I had been in constant pain every day with headaches that I just attributed to life and stress. With the two wisdom teeth now gone (I only had two that ever developed on my upper jaw, my lower ones never developed - yay) I realized that the pain may have been caused by them and the below cartoon illustrates perfectly why:

That's my wisdom teeth on both sides. They came in fine but they wanted to push into the second molars I had on BOTH sides. This was causing pain not so much in the tooth at first but in my upper jaw which I thought was - my head. I can't express the pressure that was removed from my sinus/ear/head area when the teeth were removed. It was strange but I guess I never thought that my wisdom teeth could have been causing so many issues when I had thought they grew in fine. 

The reason they had to be extracted all of a sudden was because my left upper wisdom did begin hurting last week - a lot. I made a dentist appointment for today actually, but by Saturday I woke up with a throbbing pain in my tooth and a severe headache. The pain was so bad all my anxiety and fear of the dentist went out the window! Hans had taken the kids to McDonald's for breakfast and I called him and told him I was taking his car and going to a dentist I had found in Altamonte Springs, FL to check me out and if necessary pull the tooth. I had called several Lake Mary dentists and none had any availability at that moment. I then called Dr. David Hazan, DMD and his secretary said he could see me right then. So, in the car I went for the 25 minute drive. When I got there, I was checked in and Dr. Hazan took a set of X-Rays which confirmed that I had a nice size chip in my top left wisdom tooth that had happened and that is what was causing the issue. On top of that, both wisdom teeth had to be pulled because of the above "illustration": Where I thought they came in fine, they only partially came in and part was still pushing against my other molars and (he said) was a great deal of the cause of my daily pain. Without hesitation, I called Hans and told him I was getting those teeth pulled. He was so worried and wanted to see if I needed him there but I was composed and told him I would be okay. 

(Don't worry this did not happen, LOL)

I laid back in the dentist chair and the honest to God worst part was the shot of Novocain. That needle hurt so bad and he jammed it right up against my jaw bone on both sides. After that kicked in I was okay other than well, the fear. I was composed until he announced it was time to remove them. I felt a lot of pressure but zero pain. Before I knew it he had the right one out. Then he went onto the left and again, a lot of pressure and before I knew it he was done. The whole process from Novocain to the second extraction took maybe 10 minutes. He then put a bunch of gauze on the areas and gave me some prescriptions for pain and antibiotics and sent me home. I rested a lot on Saturday and Sunday, and was back at work yesterday (and in a little pain). Today I woke up with a headache and facial/jaw pain but nothing that two Advil couldn't cure. I am still having to eat soft foods and soup which is the most annoying part! Other than that - I am so happy they're gone.

What else has happened? Oh! Bradley had Strabismus Eye Surgery on April 24th. The surgery took just under an hour and corrected an "eye crossing" problem with his left eye that he has had since he was 5. He always wore glasses since then and they had been working, but with his age and hormones and growing up so fast his eye muscles couldn't keep up anymore. Thus, the glasses stopped working and surgery was the only real option. The surgery was a huge success and the eyeglass prescription he has now is almost nonexistent. In fact, he can see almost perfect without glasses and when he has them off, his eye no longer turns at all. Praise the Lord. 

(Brad on his way to his 8th Grade Dance)

Also, speaking of my oldest - Bradley turned 14 on May 3rd! He has become such an amazing young man and is so smart. Recently at school he received the Silver Medal award for holding a consistent 3.50-3.74 GPA in his Pre-IB and Gifted program classes for his entire 8th grade year. We are so incredibly proud of him, how he is growing up, and all that he continues to accomplish. He loves his family, he cherishes his friends, and loves the Lord and our church we have been attending. He has a servant's heart and I know he will do great things in his life. I just have that "mommy instinct". It is also so hard to believe that he is starting high school in the Fall. Time flies...!

(Brad walking away after receiving his award)

That is all the updates I have for now. I will be posting more later! 

-Kim

Life Changing.

As you all know, I have been on new medications since early January. Since the meds have fully "kicked in", I am absolutely mesmerized at how different my outlook on life has become.

On February 11th, our family has the opportunity to spend two days at Disney World with my mother-in-law & my father-in-law. I was hesitant but also excited. I was more worried about taking the Disney transportation since that is one of the areas where I had been struggling the most with my anxiety - being a passenger in a vehicle and "not having control". It also carried over to rides at Disney before, but I won't elaborate too much on that. You get the point.

As it turns out I was "worried" for nothing. With the medicine in my system for over a month at that point, Disney World was everything I hoped it would be. It was magical. I was happy as I could be. I not only went on rides, but I went on the Rock N Roller Coaster. I rode not one but two Disney buses around Fort Wilderness. I had an incredible time with everyone.

My second triumph came this past weekend. Hans and I wanted to go to Magic Kingdom (we bought seasonal passes). I still drive 95% of the time due to just not wanting to give up the habit of "me being in control of the wheel" and letting go of all my past worries in regards to that. Anyway, when I woke up Saturday morning to go to Disney, my contact lens in my right eye was extremely irritated. I tried changing lenses but it didn't work. If I was going to go to Disney, my husband had to drive. So without hesitation and with the help of my medicine and my change of mindset yet again -- I let him drive. There and back. To someone who hasn't dealt with anxiety and panic, this seems simple. For me, this was huge.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Jacob wanted to ride the monorail. Uh oh. I am nervous around enclosed spaces and again - there is that PassengerInAVehicleControl thing. For my son, I did it. I wanted him to experience that memory of the monorail. I rode that thing three times that day, and twice to EPCOT which is about a 10 minute stretch.

Then today, I bought my husband & I some food and couldn't carry it all up the stairs at work. For three years, I have taken four flights of stairs up and down, day by day, because I loathe elevators and the enclosed space there. Since my hands were full, I just went and took the elevator up. I didn't even think about it really. When I got off, Hans just happened to be there and the look on his face was priceless. He was so proud (and confused as to what he just saw LOL).

The short of it is - I feel like a "normal person" now. I enjoy so much more of my life. The little things really don't get to me. I take chances. I don't worry all the time, day in and day out. I am so thrilled that God has shown me healing in this area of my life. I know that it is something I will struggle with forever, but at this point in time, I feel like I can just live.

I find myself wanting to do things I would have never considered before. I want to fly on a plane somewhere with my husband (I've never flown before). I want to spend SO MUCH more time with Hans and want to take little vacations with him and plan more date nights. I love that man so much. So, so much. I thank him constantly for his love and support and for sticking with me through my disorder.

That's really all I have right now. Got to get the kids to bed. Will write more soon. :)

Happy Birthday, Hans!

Yesterday, we celebrated my husband's 29th birthday.

He couldn't decide where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, so I chose for him and it was a surprise. Really - it was between two places: Texas de Brazil in Tampa and Shula's Steakhouse at the Dolphin Hotel at Walt Disney World. He knew where we were going when I chose to go "eastbound" on I-4. ;)

We got there for our 7:00pm reservation (grandma had the kids!) and were promptly greeted by a hostess who took us to our table and showed us the original menu (a football signed by Don Shula). Then our waiter Carlos came and went over the menu and each cut of steak with us.

I ordered the 22oz Bone-In Ribeye and Hans ordered the 24oz Porterhouse. We shared a double baked potato with White Cheddar Cheese on top. The meal was absolutely incredible. I have eaten at many steakhouses locally and also in the Tampa & Orlando areas, and nothing can touch the quality thus far that we experienced there at Shula's. Of course, I haven't eaten at Bern's Steakhouse yet. :)

After dinner, we walked over to Disney's Boardwalk and just walked around and enjoyed each other's company. By then it was about 8:45pm. We watched a couple street performers who juggled, balanced on small rolling pipes, and did all sorts of tricks. One even picked me to help out with the show. At first I was nervous but I did very well (I tossed the juggling items to him while he was balanced about 5' off the ground). We left at around 10:00pm and got home at 11:00pm - to our wide awake boys waiting for us with Grandma.

I actually let the boys stay up and play until 11:30pm last night, while I laid on the couch with Hans and just reflected on how blessed I am. How happy I am now. I am slow to anger. I am constantly smiling. I am no longer a pessimist. I don't dwell on the negative but find myself constantly looking for the positive. I could have been angry the kids were still up running around. I could have been exhausted and cranky. But I wasn't. I watched Brad play his PS3 and Jacob run and try to tackle him - to get his attention - while he was playing and thought how lucky I am. I am lucky that I have a man who loves me so much and two kids who call me "mom". I have a mom who adores her grandbabies and will bend over backwards for them and for us at the drop of a hat. I have a home. I have food. God loves us. Thanks to Jesus, I am Saved. The time the kids went to bed didn't matter at that moment. I just wanted to watch them happy and playing. Bradley is 11, almost 12. Before I know it he will be leaving for college. I am going to enjoy every moment from now on.

Just a reflection on my part. Also wanted to wish my husband, again, a wonderful 29th birthday. Thank you so much for loving me, Hans.