As you all know, I have been on new medications since early January. Since the meds have fully "kicked in", I am absolutely mesmerized at how different my outlook on life has become.

On February 11th, our family has the opportunity to spend two days at Disney World with my mother-in-law & my father-in-law. I was hesitant but also excited. I was more worried about taking the Disney transportation since that is one of the areas where I had been struggling the most with my anxiety - being a passenger in a vehicle and "not having control". It also carried over to rides at Disney before, but I won't elaborate too much on that. You get the point.

As it turns out I was "worried" for nothing. With the medicine in my system for over a month at that point, Disney World was everything I hoped it would be. It was magical. I was happy as I could be. I not only went on rides, but I went on the Rock N Roller Coaster. I rode not one but two Disney buses around Fort Wilderness. I had an incredible time with everyone.

My second triumph came this past weekend. Hans and I wanted to go to Magic Kingdom (we bought seasonal passes). I still drive 95% of the time due to just not wanting to give up the habit of "me being in control of the wheel" and letting go of all my past worries in regards to that. Anyway, when I woke up Saturday morning to go to Disney, my contact lens in my right eye was extremely irritated. I tried changing lenses but it didn't work. If I was going to go to Disney, my husband had to drive. So without hesitation and with the help of my medicine and my change of mindset yet again -- I let him drive. There and back. To someone who hasn't dealt with anxiety and panic, this seems simple. For me, this was huge.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Jacob wanted to ride the monorail. Uh oh. I am nervous around enclosed spaces and again - there is that PassengerInAVehicleControl thing. For my son, I did it. I wanted him to experience that memory of the monorail. I rode that thing three times that day, and twice to EPCOT which is about a 10 minute stretch.

Then today, I bought my husband & I some food and couldn't carry it all up the stairs at work. For three years, I have taken four flights of stairs up and down, day by day, because I loathe elevators and the enclosed space there. Since my hands were full, I just went and took the elevator up. I didn't even think about it really. When I got off, Hans just happened to be there and the look on his face was priceless. He was so proud (and confused as to what he just saw LOL).

The short of it is - I feel like a "normal person" now. I enjoy so much more of my life. The little things really don't get to me. I take chances. I don't worry all the time, day in and day out. I am so thrilled that God has shown me healing in this area of my life. I know that it is something I will struggle with forever, but at this point in time, I feel like I can just live.

I find myself wanting to do things I would have never considered before. I want to fly on a plane somewhere with my husband (I've never flown before). I want to spend SO MUCH more time with Hans and want to take little vacations with him and plan more date nights. I love that man so much. So, so much. I thank him constantly for his love and support and for sticking with me through my disorder.

That's really all I have right now. Got to get the kids to bed. Will write more soon. :)

Life on Medication

On January 10th, I took my first dose of Lexapro early that morning. Didn't feel much other than drowsiness. The next two days were horrible. I felt drowsy, but then on top of that I had the worst nausea and other stomach issues. Not the most fun two days. At. All. (I found out the reason later was because I was taking the pill on an empty stomach. Oops.)

Then day four hit. The drowsiness and the nausea started lifting. I actually began to feel less agitated. I didn't realize it right away, but my husband did. He asked me to help him pick up the kitchen and without hesitation, I did. That may seem like something so small - but a week prior I would have thrown some sort of a fit if I was in the wrong mood, or exhausted. I never had any energy.

I am now on day eleven or so. I honestly have not felt this good and calm in years. I only take the Ativan if needed, and I have only taken it a couple times, and only 1/4 of a dose. I take the Lexapro every morning like clockwork. When it first "kicks in" I yawn and feel somewhat tired for about two hours. Then everything is fine.

The amazing thing is on the Lexapro, I don't feel medicated. I feel like me - just the old me. The calmer, happier, less stressed, fun me.

I am playing with my kids again. I am SMILING, which apparently I didn't do a whole lot of before. I have energy to keep up with the kids for the most part. I want to go places and do things. I am not worrying 24/7. I go with the flow.

Sunday after church we randomly went and fed the swans on Lake Morton. Jake ran and chased the birds. Then we went to Fred's Market. All of this between two church services and choir practice. I can keep up with life now. More importantly, I am enjoying things now.

I am not dreading vacation in three weeks. I am not as scared about Disney and "what if I have a panic attack, etc..." - although sometimes the thoughts creep in... I know that I will have fun, and be fine. If not, I have my medicine to help me in a "worst case scenario" situation.

Hans told me today (when I told him I couldn't wait to get home & clean the kitchen because it was bugging me...) - "Hello my Kimmy - I have my wife back - I've missed you".

He then told me that even if I didn't take the medicine, he still would have been there for better or for worse, and would love me no matter what.

I love that man. I am so thankful to God that he blessed me with him. He has been through all this with me and I am so glad I finally got enough courage to try medication. It is helping so much and I am glad I can finally go back to being the wife that he deserves.

Til next time,

Kim

Hello. My name is Kim.

... and I have been diagnosed with clinical depression in addition to my generalized anxiety disorder.

It's taken a lot for me to write this post. I am afraid of the judgement. I know that mental illness has this stigma in society. People either understand and show compassion, or they have the "It's all in your head, just get over it" mentality. If that is your take on mental illness, I ask that you please reserve your judgement on me on my blog and keep it to yourself.

The depression was something I didn't really realize I had, but in retrospect I guess it has been there for a long time. Those that know me well, know what I've been through in my past. I don't need to air it out and certainly don't want to relive it, so I won't. Apparently I have brought all that junk into my adult life and it has been creeping around in my subconscious.

The depression wasn't anything where I would sit in bed, crying all day. It wasn't like that. I would get up and do what needed to be done. I was always exhausted, stressed, and super irritable when I did anything though. I can't tell you how many times I snapped at my husband or even my kids for no reason at all. Hans would come ask me to clean something and I would lose it. Brad would ask me for help with his homework and I would get upset because I felt like it was "one more thing" added to the list. All this came to a realization a few days ago when I got news from work that I was denied a promotion because of some metric numbers that they measure by.

I cried for probably 10 minutes afterward, alone.

That was when I realized that I can't remember the last time I genuinely had fun. Or laughed. Or didn't worry about something all day long. Worrying is exhausting. I am the queen of fear and worry.

I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since December 2008 (initial diagnosis but I am sure I had it long before. That was the date of my first panic attack). I have tried to do this all on my own and with counselling to avoid medication. But I can't do it all by myself anymore. I am going to give medicine a shot in the hopes that it will bring me back to the "old me" while also continuing my counselling. Not for me, but for my family. My husband deserves a wife who isn't scared all the time and irritated. My boys deserve a mom with the energy to have fun with them and go outside and play ball.

This morning I saw my doctor who I absolutely love. She knows me in and out and knows my personality when it comes to medications (I am very sensitive to everything and really dislike taking anything unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary). I was there for a migraine medicine follow-up as well when I brought up the anxiety/depression. She listened to me vent and explain what was going on. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro -an antidepressant, and a low dose of Ativan - an anti-anxiety for me to try. I go back in six weeks for a follow up.

I am going to pick the meds up from my pharmacy shortly. I am really nervous about taking these medicines, but that is how I am with any medicine whether it be Lexapro or Tylenol (thanks, anxiety disorder). Please keep me in your prayers through this time in my life and pray that God will heal me from this.

Thanks,

Kim