Well here I am again, Internet world/friends/family! It has been almost a year. I say everytime I update after a long period of time that "I hope to blog more" and "I will post more often". I cannot make that promise this time but I will try. Here is a summary in photos of what we have been up to.

We have spent time with the kids doing lots of small, quality time activities.

Weekly lunches with mommy at school

Bowling fun

Spring break 2015 at New Smyrna Beach

More bowling

Playing Mario Party 10 together

Universal Studios

We went on a cruise in November 2014 to the Eastern Caribbean

Saint Thomas (from the ship)

My boys in Puerto Rico

The bead king, Jacob with his brother Brad!

We listen to a lot of music and go to a lot of concerts

Vinyl records = the best

Brad met Keegan from Vinyl Theatre!

Twenty One Pilots are allllllways the best |-/

Fall Out Boy and Paramore

Hans and I are still very much in love and celebrated 8 years married

Hanging out in South Florida

Hot air balloon ride at Downtown Disney

Bradley is making great grades in high school this year and is officially in the Pre-IB program in 9th grade. He is so smart and is taking Pre-IB classes along with Honors and Gifted! He loves Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and other rock bands. Basically he is a mini-me when it comes to music (see my shirt in the above photo? yep |-/). His room is covered in posters and string lights. He saved up his money for almost 18 months and paid for his own gaming desktop computer. He loves watching @carbonstealer do "speedruns" of Super Monkey Ball Deluxe on Twitch as do the rest of us. He wakes up at 4:50am each morning to shower, do his hair (he has longer hair now) and get ready for school. I still text him at 6:00am from my room to wish him a good day and tell him I love him. He is our goofy, funny, kind soul and he will be fifteen in 37 days. My gosh he will be old enough for his permit.

Jacob academically is doing fantastic in first grade. Behaviorally he is getting better. He is spunky and does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He eats what he wants (unless we put our foot down) when he wants (unless we put our foot down). This means at school if he doesn't like the lunch, he buys a cookie and Cheez Its. If he is bored in class, he talks. Some days when he gets a "straight face" in class (the teacher grades behavior daily by smiley face, straight face, or sad face), I ask him why and I get this response: "Well I was talking and the teacher said to stop talking but I didn't hear her because well I was talking" - all in one breath. Then he smiles and shrugs. Most days we fight with him to do his homework but when he is done with it he is happy. He hates going to bed at night to this day and makes excuses to get up - "I want water", "I want a hug", "I am hungry" are all common excuses we hear. Ever since was old enough to get the world around him, he has not wanted to go to sleep because 1) he is afraid he will miss something and 2) he wants to be just like his big brother Bradley. Which brings me to that: my kids adore eachother. Even with the 8 year separation of age. Jacob copies Brad's likes and dislikes most often, and he wants to always do what Brad's doing. If Brad likes a song, Jake memorizes it and sings it with him. If Brad doesn't like a TV show, Jake doesn't either. It is frustratingly adorable at time - but most often more adorable than frustrating. Jake loves to go to the park, and play video games. He and I eat lunch together in the cafeteria of his school weekly on my day off. He loves swimming and he LOVES his "baby girl" Clara who sleeps with him every night. He is my sweetheart and as I tell him - my "favorite first grader in the whole world". 

Hans is still with his company and for the most part enjoys what he does. He is a part of the Tuesday softball league and the Thursday bowling league. He has recently decided to go back to college with me at Western Governor's University. I work evenings right now and he works his shift during the day, comes home, cooks/cleans/entertains the kids, and then spends time with me when I get home. He helps with homework and does laundry. He deals with meltdowns from the kids when Jake and his friends don't get along, and is still there to help his friend Bret take apart a car something-or-another when he needs it. He is the most genuine, humble, laid back man I know. And he chose me. How lucky am I? He seriously completes me. I am the planner, the A-type organizer, the goal setter, the "5-year-achievement" person. He is the sporadic, WhoNeedsACalendar, go with the flow man. I would not have it any other way.

We are all happy and (for me, mostly) healthy and thriving. The past year has been memorable and in a good way. 

As for me, my depression is mostly 99% in check, my anxiety is all but gone, and my migraines - well they are still there most months at least once. I have worked for a company since September that is incredibly pleasing, and the best part rarely if ever stressful. I am now on the Activities Committee and help with planning the celebrations and events in the center. I help write articles for the company informational emails. I have great perks, one of them being a great amount of vacation/sick time. I was able to take the week of Spring Break 2015 off and spend real quality time with the kids and with my husband. We had fun and no schedule to follow. I still love to cook and bake. I am a co-admin of a Facebook group where kindness is encouraged and vibrant - RAOK Angels. Those ladies are wonderful human beings and so bright and cheerful when I need it, and I am there when they need it. I am passing my classes in college and am taking extra classes to try to graduate sooner. Oh, and I recently went from a brunette to a blonde...

...and yes I can say blondes do have more fun. JK. :) 

We are all doing really, really well. Really well. We are just moving forward, enjoying life as it comes with it's ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns. We are doing it all together, as it should be. We are a solid family unit and we love eachother more than anything else in the world. 

-K

Making a Living vs. Making a Life

This was on my Facebook feed posted by someone else this this morning - and I also have a piece of art with this saying in our home hanging above family photos. This couldn't be more true.

Money comes and goes. Sometimes you have a lot of it (or if you are really fortunate, you *always* have a ton of it), sometimes you are at the bottom of the barrel like I was at times growing up in my teens. Regardless of your situation, don't let work or a job rule over you and the time you spend with your spouse and/or kids. Don't let work take all your time away from family dinners, vacations, reading bedtime stories, helping with homework, talking, etc. These moments go all too soon.

In four short years Bradley will be 18 and off to college somewhere. It could be in Florida or it could be across the US for all we know. Jacob is already six years old and is getting out of the stage of wanting to be held and cuddled.

This quote is something very important to me.

We try to do things and communicate with Brad no matter the topic. We hold Jacob and watch kid movies with him. We try to do family dinners as often as we can. We do mini weekend trips. We go to free festivals and farmer's markets. Hans and I still have date nights and time together as a married couple and not just as "parents", whether it is out at a restaurant or at home after the kid are asleep. These are just some ideas and not all have to cost money.

If you take anything away from my little "soapbox" moment - take this: Love your spouse and your children. Spend time with them. Don't put every waking moment into something else and ignore the family you have. Before you know it, children are grown and moved out of the house and those moments you may have had with them young won't come again.

Magic Kingdom with Jacob (when I was a blonde!)

Riding the Peoplemover with Brad

Home Depot building workshops with Jake + Hans

You're never too old to take out Zurg on Buzz Lightyear

Teaching Brad how to make Jambalaya

Date night with Hans at Willow Tree Cafe in Sanford, FL

Jake loving on Mommy for a "selfie"

Why I Love My Husband...

So again, to reboot my blog, I am going to get back into the habit of making the lists of things I love about my husband. I might do this weekly, bi-weekly, or when the mood permits. :) I started 1-10 previously so this one is going to be 11-20.

• He does laundry way better than I can and he doesn't  rarely complains ;)
• He checks on me when I am not feeling well and is considerate when I have a migraine.
• He has a "new" (to him) 2001 Toyota MR2 Spyder that he totally loves. His affection for that car is adorable!
• He doesn't mind that I watch and love dorky shows like Doctor Who and Sherlock. He generally doesn't care for them but doesn't mind if I watch and doesn't make fun of me for doing so! :)
• He loves his parents and his family so much. There is rarely a day that goes by that he doesn't call his mom and dad. 
• He knows that pajamas and tumblers with straws are my favorite gifts ever, so each Christmas for the past few years that is what he has gotten me... and I have been exuberantly happy each time. 
• I have been wanting to go back to school for my Bachelor's degree for some time, and he fully and entirely supports me doing so. 
• Even though she isn't a "Golden Retriever", he absolutely fell in love with our rescue dog Clara - who is a German Shepherd mix - when we met her at an adoption event in February. She came out of her cage and immediately laid in his lap. Since then, he is her "favorite" and she lays on his lap on the sofa when we watch TV at night. (Yes, "Clara" from Doctor Who, for those who care :oP)
• He is so smart. If he doesn't know how to do something, he will research it or ask someone who knows how until he learns to do it himself. For example: oil changes on our cars to save $, fixing his own fuel line on his car, etc...
• Seeing him hugging the kids melts my heart. The smile he has on his face each time is as big as the smile the kid's have on theirs. 

Perspective.

Today, I am at home with a migraine. I just took another dose of my pain medicine and this dose seems to (hopefully) have done the job. I am looking forward to being back at work tomorrow.

Even suffering through a tremendously painful migraine, I am trying to keep my life in perspective.

Yes, I missed work today with a migraine. Most of my day was spent with a pillow over my head, in a dark bedroom. The other part was lifting myself up to take care of my three-year-old to the best of my ability with this pain. I made him breakfast/lunch, and now my sweetness is laying next to me, watching Mario Brothers things on YouTube on my phone.

Yes, even removing the migraines from the equation, I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and also clinical depression. I have seen the horror of panic attacks first hand and lived through them.

Yes, my life can be "tough" with these medical issues.

But through all of this, I see where I have come from. All the glory goes to God. I am still thankful for my health.

You see, I do not have cancer. Or leukemia. Or MS. Or any other life altering, potentially fatal disease. I do not have high cholesterol or heart disease. I do not have kidney failure. I do not require anything other than medicines daily to keep these conditions under control and occasionally having to miss a day or two of work due to the pain of the migraines.

In keeping that perspective, I am able to give thanks through this. I am thankful that my Lord has prepared my doctors for the medical conditions I do have, and with the knowledge that he did bless a doctor/pharmacist/scientist somewhere to develop these medicines to help in the first place.

I am thankful that I do have my three-year-old, Jacob, and that even though he can be demanding... even with a throbbing headache I love him dearly and will pull myself up to be his mama.

Keeping this perspective helps me through the hard times. The rough times that I have come to deal with.

No matter what the situation, fix your eyes on God, and on the good that you have been blessed with. God is always there, in each trial. He will not let you down.

Life Changing.

As you all know, I have been on new medications since early January. Since the meds have fully "kicked in", I am absolutely mesmerized at how different my outlook on life has become.

On February 11th, our family has the opportunity to spend two days at Disney World with my mother-in-law & my father-in-law. I was hesitant but also excited. I was more worried about taking the Disney transportation since that is one of the areas where I had been struggling the most with my anxiety - being a passenger in a vehicle and "not having control". It also carried over to rides at Disney before, but I won't elaborate too much on that. You get the point.

As it turns out I was "worried" for nothing. With the medicine in my system for over a month at that point, Disney World was everything I hoped it would be. It was magical. I was happy as I could be. I not only went on rides, but I went on the Rock N Roller Coaster. I rode not one but two Disney buses around Fort Wilderness. I had an incredible time with everyone.

My second triumph came this past weekend. Hans and I wanted to go to Magic Kingdom (we bought seasonal passes). I still drive 95% of the time due to just not wanting to give up the habit of "me being in control of the wheel" and letting go of all my past worries in regards to that. Anyway, when I woke up Saturday morning to go to Disney, my contact lens in my right eye was extremely irritated. I tried changing lenses but it didn't work. If I was going to go to Disney, my husband had to drive. So without hesitation and with the help of my medicine and my change of mindset yet again -- I let him drive. There and back. To someone who hasn't dealt with anxiety and panic, this seems simple. For me, this was huge.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Jacob wanted to ride the monorail. Uh oh. I am nervous around enclosed spaces and again - there is that PassengerInAVehicleControl thing. For my son, I did it. I wanted him to experience that memory of the monorail. I rode that thing three times that day, and twice to EPCOT which is about a 10 minute stretch.

Then today, I bought my husband & I some food and couldn't carry it all up the stairs at work. For three years, I have taken four flights of stairs up and down, day by day, because I loathe elevators and the enclosed space there. Since my hands were full, I just went and took the elevator up. I didn't even think about it really. When I got off, Hans just happened to be there and the look on his face was priceless. He was so proud (and confused as to what he just saw LOL).

The short of it is - I feel like a "normal person" now. I enjoy so much more of my life. The little things really don't get to me. I take chances. I don't worry all the time, day in and day out. I am so thrilled that God has shown me healing in this area of my life. I know that it is something I will struggle with forever, but at this point in time, I feel like I can just live.

I find myself wanting to do things I would have never considered before. I want to fly on a plane somewhere with my husband (I've never flown before). I want to spend SO MUCH more time with Hans and want to take little vacations with him and plan more date nights. I love that man so much. So, so much. I thank him constantly for his love and support and for sticking with me through my disorder.

That's really all I have right now. Got to get the kids to bed. Will write more soon. :)

Happy Birthday, Hans!

Yesterday, we celebrated my husband's 29th birthday.

He couldn't decide where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, so I chose for him and it was a surprise. Really - it was between two places: Texas de Brazil in Tampa and Shula's Steakhouse at the Dolphin Hotel at Walt Disney World. He knew where we were going when I chose to go "eastbound" on I-4. ;)

We got there for our 7:00pm reservation (grandma had the kids!) and were promptly greeted by a hostess who took us to our table and showed us the original menu (a football signed by Don Shula). Then our waiter Carlos came and went over the menu and each cut of steak with us.

I ordered the 22oz Bone-In Ribeye and Hans ordered the 24oz Porterhouse. We shared a double baked potato with White Cheddar Cheese on top. The meal was absolutely incredible. I have eaten at many steakhouses locally and also in the Tampa & Orlando areas, and nothing can touch the quality thus far that we experienced there at Shula's. Of course, I haven't eaten at Bern's Steakhouse yet. :)

After dinner, we walked over to Disney's Boardwalk and just walked around and enjoyed each other's company. By then it was about 8:45pm. We watched a couple street performers who juggled, balanced on small rolling pipes, and did all sorts of tricks. One even picked me to help out with the show. At first I was nervous but I did very well (I tossed the juggling items to him while he was balanced about 5' off the ground). We left at around 10:00pm and got home at 11:00pm - to our wide awake boys waiting for us with Grandma.

I actually let the boys stay up and play until 11:30pm last night, while I laid on the couch with Hans and just reflected on how blessed I am. How happy I am now. I am slow to anger. I am constantly smiling. I am no longer a pessimist. I don't dwell on the negative but find myself constantly looking for the positive. I could have been angry the kids were still up running around. I could have been exhausted and cranky. But I wasn't. I watched Brad play his PS3 and Jacob run and try to tackle him - to get his attention - while he was playing and thought how lucky I am. I am lucky that I have a man who loves me so much and two kids who call me "mom". I have a mom who adores her grandbabies and will bend over backwards for them and for us at the drop of a hat. I have a home. I have food. God loves us. Thanks to Jesus, I am Saved. The time the kids went to bed didn't matter at that moment. I just wanted to watch them happy and playing. Bradley is 11, almost 12. Before I know it he will be leaving for college. I am going to enjoy every moment from now on.

Just a reflection on my part. Also wanted to wish my husband, again, a wonderful 29th birthday. Thank you so much for loving me, Hans.

Wordless Wednesday

(Brad loves his baby brother, and it appears the feeling is mutual!)